Deep Healing Counseling

Author: Ajarat M. Thani

  • MORE ON PREMARITAL COUSELLING QUESTIONNAIRE

    Are you in a serious relationship and looking to take it to the next level?

    Or are you engaged and getting married soon?

     Congratulations!

     But first, there may be some things that you and your fiancé need to talk about in advance. Speaking to each other honestly about these bigger topics (and everything else in your relationship) will enable you both to get on the same page and have harmony.

    The premarital counseling questionnaire brings to light some very common, but important, questions that pave the way for you to have a healthy marriage. It prepares you and gives you an insight into what is ahead.  Read the Pre-marriage counseling questionnaire and find critical premarital questions every couple must discuss before getting married.

    1. Discuss your finances

    Finance is a major issue in a marriage and even one of the biggest issues in it especially when both people are not in line with one another. To avoid a huge problem later, you and your fiance should discuss your past, present, and future financial situations. Here are some questions to help:

    2. Get some facts straight about children

    Children are another important factor that should be discussed. I get that some people go into marriage with children already and some people do not. Either way, here are some questions to help you get started.

    If you don’t have children already, how many do you want?

    If you do have children, do you want more?

    How far apart would you like to have them?

    What are your beliefs about raising children?

    What are your beliefs about disciplining the children?

    3. Be on the same page about housing

    Do not be in a hurry or overly excited to tighten the knot to the extent that you will forget this very important aspect.   It may seem like knowing where to live is a “no-brainer” but it is still worth going over. Sometimes couples think they are on the same page about things then realize there may be some differences. Here are some questions to start that conversation:

    Will you be living with the in-laws?

    If yes, for how long?

    If you both have your own place, which one will you move to?

    If you do not have your own place yet, where will he be renting and what kind of accommodation?

    Do you want to rent or buy a house?

    Where do you want to live? (What city, etc.)

    4. Manage your expectations

    Everyone has expectations about their lives. Therefore, everyone has expectations about what they think they should contribute to a marriage and what their spouses should contribute. If as a woman you are asked to bring a certain contribution and you do not feel comfortable with it, now is the time to air things out.  It is vitally important to talk about what is expected in your marriage. Here are some expectation questions:

    How do you split the household chores?

    Are you both working?

    How many times per week do you think is it substantial to have sex?

    Are you both in charge of finances?

    5. Have transparency in the area of addictions

    I know that it sounds like it should be obvious if someone has an addiction issue. Trust me on this one, it can be very well hidden. It is a great idea to have complete transparency in this area to avoid major setbacks later. Ask each other these:

    How often do you drink?

    Do you gamble/bet? If so, how often?

    Is there or has there ever been an issue with substance abuse?

    Do you view pornography?

    6. Discuss faith

    If you and/or your spouse are people of faith, it should be discussed. Especially if you and your future spouse do not follow the same faith. Here are some starters to go over:

    Do you follow the same faith?

    If you do not follow the same faith, are you able to respect each other’s decisions in this area?

    Will you teach your children your faith?

    7. Consider sex and intimacy issues

    Consider sex and intimacy issues during premarital counseling

    Sex is quite a large part of a marriage. Sex allows married couples to become deeply connected to one another. If you are not on the same page when it comes to sex, it may cause issues in the future. Here are some questions to ponder over:

    How often should we have sex?

    Can either of you initiate it when desired?

    What will happen if one party does not feel like it?

    What is allowed in our sexual life?

    8. Discuss your future plans

    We all have dreams. While two become one once you’re married, your dreams don’t just go away. You are still very much your own person as well as one half of a partnership. Because of this, it is great to discuss what you both envision for the future. Here are some questions to prompt you:

    If as a woman you are still schooling or you intend to further your education, this is the time to table this.

    Do you wish to work?

    How do you plan to balance work and kids?

    Where do you envision yourself in five years?

    What job do you want to have in five years?

    What is your dream life?

    Asking these questions and diving deeper into what it truly means to be married is a great place to start your marriage. With the kind of marriages, we see around us today, almost everyone gets a little anxious about marriage. But you don’t have to stay anxious. I encourage you to continue to openly discuss these and any other topics that may arise. Cheers to a healthy, thriving marriage!

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  • 7 WAYS TO STOP ARGUING WITH YOUR SPOUSE

    By Ajarah Thani

    TOP 7WAYS TO STOP FIGHTING WITH YOUR SPOUSE

    Therapist and Relationship Coach

    Arguing, fighting, bickering with your spouse? You’re not alone.

    Couples argue from time to time. Some are just more or less than others but do not worry too much about it, you are about to discover the best ways to manage this.

    Try these 7 simple, effective tips and techniques that will allow you to STOP these toxic arguments and ensure become a thing of the past.

    7 Ways To End Arguments With Your Spouse

    These 6 tactics I’m about to cover are just a starting point.

    These are helpful in preventing fights with your spouse, so you should start using them immediately… but for most people, this isn’t the only thing that’s contributing to your marriage problems, so you need to address any other issues as well if you want to maintain a happy marriage.

    Technique #1: Use The 15-Minute Rule

    Are you angry at your spouse about something and ready to start screaming because of what they did or said?

    Or maybe your spouse has started the conflict and you’re ready to flip back….?

    Well, hold up a few seconds, in fact, make it 15 minutes or more.

    Why? Well, I can’t tell you never to get into an argument with your spouse because this can’t totally be stopped but, I can teach you how to handle arguments.

     If you disagree with yourselves and you need to stand up for something you believe is important and worth discussing with your spouse, then do it.

    But before you do, wait at least 15 minutes. Don’t do anything special in that time–other than avoid talking about the problem with your spouse–before you begin the discussion. This point is very crucial because I have seen this lack of control has led many to undesired endings of a situation.

    That 15 minutes would have given you enough time to reflect on the issue and decide it’s not worth fighting over.

    If you still decide to argue, that time will help you cool down and let the emotions settle so you can start the discussion in a more civilized manner and it will stop the situation from escalating.

    Simple tactics like this one can actually prevent a divorce even before it starts. Trust me on this.

    Technique #2: Take a time-out

    If you find yourself already in a heated argument with your spouse, then the 15-minute rule may already be too late. … but, you can still take action to make sure the fight doesn’t continue to grow.

    If you’re worried that you or your spouse is going to get out of control, then you really must find a way to stop this from happening.

    A time-out is a great solution to this problem.

    This simply means that you need to take a short break during a fight to calm your nerves.

    Don’t just simply walk out of the room without explanation–that is likely to make your partner angrier.

    Instead, tell them that you need to take a few minutes to think about things and calm down before re-engaging in a more respectful, productive discussion. This can help both of you to feel more calm.

    Technique #3: Go to bed angry

    The classic advice–that you should never go to bed angry at your spouse–is just not always true.

    I have seen that sometimes; it is even better to go to bed angry. This allows partners to clear their thoughts, get some sleep, and find another time to complete the fight.

    Technique #4: Own up to your part of the fight

    Hate being wrong? Too proud to admit you might also be part of the problem?

     I understand that it can be very tough to admit that you’re wrong about anything. When you’re in a heated argument, sometimes it’s easy to lose sight of the bigger picture or start focusing only on “winning” rather than the real issue at hand… or the effect the argument might have on your partner’s feelings.

     Two things are known to derail fights. First is admitting to your faults and the second is expressing empathy towards your partner. Though for some, I know it is easier said than done.

    Sadly, researchers have proven that the feeling of “being right” or ‘winning’ is never as satisfying as you make it out to be in your mind. And trying to win the argument is often a synonym for trying to hurt your partner.

    Instead of trying to win arguments with your spouse, try instead to focus on seeing things from your partner’s perspective.

    Aim to come to a positive outcome of some sort, even if that means you need to swallow your pride and “lose.” when it’s necessary to maintain harmony in your marriage–is definitely going to help.

    Technique #5: Find the humour

    As I just mentioned, it’s easy to lose yourself in the heat of the moment when you’re arguing with your significant other, and at times, things can escalate and become toxic, marriage-threatening fights, even if they initially started over something very minor.

    If you’re able to recognize when this is happening in an argument with your partner, humor can be the best way to defuse things and bring back some perspective.

    NOTE: you need to be cautious using this method especially when the discussion is about something very serious to your partner. Do not try to downplay it. But most times, a joke, or smile can make some situations better.

    Technique #6: Spend quality time together

    This does not need much explanation, because it’s pretty simple. The more you and your spouse spend time arguing, the more you need to spend quality, enjoyable time together to balance things out.

    quality-time-together

    No need to make it a big deal, just make sure you make an effort to share some positive, romantic time with one another.

    This will help you both remember what you love about one another so that the next time you argue, you’ll remember to be respectful.

    Technique #7: Ban the “but”

    I have noticed that couples often derail a resolution when they acknowledge the other person’s position and then add a “but” in their next breath. This if not handled well can open a new set of worms. So even if you are planning to say something with a but, it is best you leave it till a later time. This does not mean you do not get to air your voice, it simply means that you find a better time to do just that. For more tips on having the marriage of your dreams, see our best-selling book The Marriage Fortification Secret.

    AJARAH THANI is a certified therapist relationship coach, and author of “The Marriage Fortification Secret”, a best-selling guide to building a fortress around the marriage and fortifying it. For more of Ajarah’s relationship advice, follow her on Facebook.

  • All You Need to Know About Low-self Esteem

    What is self esteem?

    Self-esteem is how you regard or value yourself in terms of your: 

     Job 

     Accomplishments

     Relationship with your peers and your family 

     Place in the society

    It’s actually the image you have of yourself. Having high self-esteem means you have high regard for yourself. Low self-esteem means you perceive no value in yourself.

    People with high self-esteem are usually people who are happy and confident. It’s not about bragging about what you have or your accomplishments, but it’s taking stock of what kind of person you are.

    Self-esteem is an important trait of every individual because it influences and sometimes even determines success in your personal life and your career. Having high self-esteem means you respect yourself, and it’s most often the reason why others respect you.

    Factors that lower self esteem

    • Divorce or separation. A child who grew up in the right environment and with the right kind of people giving them support and encouragement will have a high self esteem. 

    However, an incident like the divorce or separation of their parents could shatter the child’s high image of themselves, and they could end up blaming themselves for the separation. They’ll then go into a vicious cycle of looking down on themselves and of treating others differently.

    • Physical attributes. A child who is on the chubby side while growing up may be considered as cute by their family and friends and so the frequent encouragement and praise will help them develop high self esteem. 

    However, as they grow older, their environment changes, and then they are exposed to the reality that society generally frowns on people who are on the heavy side. This creates confusion and identity crisis which may lead to self-pity and the development of a low self-image.

    • Rejection. A child who grew up with supportive parents and siblings will most likely become an adult with a high self esteem. However, constant exposure to critical people who insult them and criticise them may create a dent in their high self image. Their comfort zone will no longer exist and there is a possibility that they will be rejected by other people who are not so kind or who may have very high standards.

    A person’s self-esteem will serve as their defense and survival kit against the competitive nature of society. Growing up with high self-esteem will be an advantage because a person knows their true value. However, they must keep close contact with the people who really matter to them to maintain their self-worth, and avoid people who will try to ruin their self-image.

    Effects of low self esteem 

    People who grew up in a very critical environment, where achievements are rarely praised and where faults are given more emphasis will most likely have very low self-esteem. Among the effects of low self-esteem are:

    • It can cause anxiety and depression. A person with a low self esteem is always concerned about pleasing other people. The more they try to make other people happy, the more they become depressed and unsure of themselves. And when they become unsure of themselves, they will take this as a negative attribute, leading to a lesser self worth. It goes on until they do not have a clear view of themselves as a person.
    • A low self esteem can result in a setback in a person’s performance in school or their career goals. A person who thinks less of themselves will more likely have very low grades. If already working, a person with low self esteem will experience some difficulty in their career as they could not perform their ordinary responsibilities well.
    • Lack of self esteem can create tension in a person’s relationship with other people. Because they look down on themselves too much, this person cannot maintain a healthy relationship. They think they are lower than anybody and are not worth loving.
    • Low self esteem can lead to dependency problems. Many people who have very low regard for themselves get into drugs because they look at substance abuse as the only way to confirm their existence. Others become alcoholics, opting to become intoxicated rather than confront the difficulty of facing one’s self.

    People with low self-esteem or low self-worth have very little or no self-confidence at all. A single mistake, no matter how small, will always be blown out of proportion. A person with low self-esteem will always blame themselves for anything that happens regardless of the factors involved in the incident.

    A person who has low self-esteem is fragile and can be easily influenced by people who take advantage of other people’s frailty. While self-esteem has its roots in a person’s childhood there is still a chance to develop the self-worth of adults who treat themselves as lesser mortals. However, it will take extra effort and determination, as well as a good support group.

    The signs of healthy self esteem

    What are the signs of healthy self-esteem? Here are some of them:

    •  Being Happy for who you are

    People with healthy self-esteem are people who view themselves as unique yet beautiful. Having healthy self-esteem will make you view the world in a good light. A person may not be as good-looking or as talented as other people but they can be as happy as they can be.

    • Unafraid to take challenges 

    Healthy self-esteem will lead to self-confidence. People with healthy self-esteem are comfortable in trying out new things because they are not afraid to make mistakes and make fools of themselves once in a while. 

    Being unafraid of committing mistakes is a sign of self-acceptance. 

    •  Accept mistakes and learn from them

    Another healthy sign of healthy self-esteem is the acceptance of one’s mistakes and learning from them. A person with a low self-esteem would blame and put themselves down continuously for the mistakes that they commit. 

    Learning to accept mistakes and learn from them is the first step towards loving yourself.

    •  No need to prove oneself to others

    People with healthy self-esteem don’t need to prove themselves to other people. People with low self-esteem tend to be restless in doing things in an effort to impress others. They equate success with self-worth and finding true happiness. 

    Having healthy self-esteem may not necessarily equate to being happy. It’s also possible that a person with healthy self-esteem is unsatisfied with certain circumstances in their life and this makes them unhappy with the whole picture of their life.  

    However, having healthy self-esteem is a prerequisite to having true happiness. 

    So how does one develop healthy self-esteem? Listed below are some helpful tips for getting self-esteem.

    •  See the beauty in you

    Self-esteem starts from self-acceptance and this is built through seeing one’s strengths and weaknesses. This can be a useful tool in becoming a better person and feeling good about yourself.

    • Learn to let go

    Let go of your mistakes and move on. Leave the negative things behind and bring the lessons along the journey. If you dwell on a mistake too much, it’ll eventually burn any self-esteem you have left.

    •  Learn to stop comparing

    Stop comparing yourself to others. You are who you are and let others be themselves.

    •  Teach your inner voice

    The inner voice is the small voice inside your head that usually lowers one’s self-esteem by dwelling on faults and weaknesses. Speak to yourself in a positive tone. Always use positive remarks and try to leave out destructive criticisms. 

    Finding self-esteem is not an easy thing to do. It’s a task that cannot be done by anybody else but you. No amount of external intervention can influence someone who doesn’t want self-esteem. Having self-esteem is a conscious choice. 

    Can I change my Self-Esteem?

    Most people derive high self-esteem from the things they do. This is especially apparent with people who work. High self-esteem can result from work where skills and challenges are equally matched. 

    Self-esteem can be derived from any activity even housework, chores, taking care of children, or studying. 

    Self-esteem can be improved in the following ways:

    •  Know your strengths. Take stock of yourself and know what you are really good at. It’s important for you to develop the talents that you are naturally gifted with. Whether the skill is the ability to write well, have photographic memory, the ability to speak Latin backwards, you must find a way to let your talents flourish.

    How do you know what your strengths are? Think of things and situations you were in that were difficult for others but were easy for you. Did you always do well in English without even studying? That could be an area of strength.

    • Acknowledge areas for improvement. The worst thing you can do is ignore your weaknesses and keep them under wraps.

    The more a secret is hidden, the more likely the secret will be found out. This goes the same with weaknesses. Everyone has an area to improve, so don’t compare yourself to others. Take stock of the weakness, and try to find ways to address it or take time to turn it into a strength that drives you to better places.

    •  Don’t take it personally. Detach. Take situations as they come. Never unnecessarily let others make you feel bad just to make themselves feel better. Avoid these people. Low self-esteem can be contagious.
    •  Set your goals. Knowing what you want and when you want it cuts through all the chaff. Aim high and find ways to get what you want. 

    If you need to adjust, do so. The whole point is to make sure you get to where you chose to be in the future and not what others want you to be. 

    •  Laugh! The world is strange and absurd. Don’t take things too seriously.

    Raising self-esteem is a personalized art form. Some techniques may work on others and some don’t. Try to mix and match, experiment as far and wide as you can until you can get a good handle on yourself. And you’ll find things will just get better for you. you can share more helpful tips on this topic under the comment section, please.

  • 100 THINGS YOU SHOULD ASK ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE TO BE

    From all the happenings around us today, you will agree with me if I say it is very important to know who you are choosing as your life partner. Some of these questions here may appear odd to you but they are essential questions. Depending on your relationship with your fiance, you may not be able to ask all of this but you should be able to ask most of these questions to help you make better decisions. Remember not to put out your questions like an investigative police officer, ask your questions at a good time and in a diplomatic way. for some, you can actually be direct, it all depends on who you have as a suitor. Best wishes from my side. Also, remember that not all of these questions may apply to you, so do what suits your situation. May God bless you with the best.

    What does marriage mean to you?

    Have you ever been married?

    Are you presently married? This can apply in a polygamous setting.

    What are your marriage expectations?

    What are your life objectives? (both long-term and short-term)

    Determine three goals you want to achieve in the near future.

    Make a list of three long-term goals you aim to achieve.

    Why did you choose me as a possible spouse?

    What role does religion have in your life now?

    Are you a believer in God?

    What do you think an Islamic/Christian/other marriage entails?

    What religious expectations do you have for your spouse?

    What is your relationship like with the religious community in your neighborhood?

    Do you participate in any religious activities as a volunteer?

    What spiritual gifts do you have to offer your (spouse)?

    What does the husband’s role entail?

    What is the wife’s function?

    Do you want to be a polygamist in the future?

    What kind of relationship do you have with your family?

    What do you expect your relationship with your spouse’s family to be like?

    What kind of relationship do you think your spouse will have with your family?

    Is anyone in your family now residing with you?

    Do you intend to have any family members living with you in the future?

    What should I do if my relationship with your family deteriorates for any reason?

    What kind of pals do you have? (Make a list of at least three.)

    How did you become acquainted with them?

    What makes you think they’re your friends?

    What do you find most appealing about them?

    What will your connection with them be like once you are married?

    Do you have any male/female friends?

    What is the current state of your friendship with them?

    What will your connection with them be like once you are married?

    What kind of friendship do you want your partner to have with his or her friends?

    What do you enjoy doing in your spare time?

    Would you enjoy entertaining our visitors in our home?

    When your friends come around, what do you anticipate from your spouse?

    What are your thoughts on various languages being spoken at home that I don’t understand? (in the company of friends or family)

    Do you like to travel?

    What do you do for fun during your vacations?

    What do you think your spouse should do during his or her vacations?

    Do you like to read?

    What do you like to read?

    Do you think you’ll be able to verbally communicate love feelings after you’ve married?

    Do you believe you’ll want to show your affection in public after you’ve married?

    How do you show your admiration for someone you’ve just met?

    How do you express gratitude to someone who has done you a favor?

    Do you prefer to express yourself through writing?

    How do you apologize if you make a mistake?

    How do you want someone to apologize to you if they have offended you?

    How long does it take you to forgive someone?

    In your life, how do you make major and less essential decisions?

    Do you use vulgarity at home? Is it appropriate to do so in public? Is it with your family?

    Do your buddies use offensive language?

    Is there any vulgarity in your family?

    What are your methods for expressing anger and frustration?

    How do you anticipate your spouse expressing his or her rage?

    When you’re angry, what do you do?

    When do you think it’s suitable to start a marriage mediation?

    How should a quarrel in your marriage, whether religious or not, be resolved?

    Define the terms “mental,” “verbal,” “emotional,” and “physical.”

    What would you do if you suspected yourself of being abused?

    If you were being assaulted, who would you call for help?

    Do you have a long-term illness or condition?

    Are you willing to have a physical examination by a doctor before getting married?

    How well do you understand the importance of good health and nutrition?

    What methods do you use to maintain your personal health and nutrition?

    What does wealth mean to you?

    What are your spending habits?

    What methods do you use to save money?

    How do you anticipate your spending habits will alter once you’ve married?

    Do you owe any money right now? If that’s the case, how are you going about paying off?

    Do you make purchases with a credit card?

    Do you agree that taking out loans to buy a new home is a good idea?

    What financial expectations do you have from your spouse?

    What is your share of the financial burden in the marriage?

    Do you think a working wife is a good idea?

    If that’s the case, how do you think a family with two incomes should handle money?

    Do you keep track of your expenses with a budget?

    Who are the persons to whom you are liable financially?

    Do you think it’s a good idea to hire babysitters and/or maids?

    Do you wish to start a family? Why isn’t that the case?

    Are you able to bear children, to the best of your knowledge?

    Do you intend to start a family during the first two years of your marriage? If not now, when will it be?

    Do you think abortion is a good idea?

    Do you now have children?

    What is your current connection with your kids?

    How well do you get along with their other parent?

    What kind of relationship do you think your spouse will have with your kids and their parents?

    What method(s) of child-rearing are the most effective?

    What are the most effective methods for disciplining children?

    What kind of upbringing did you have?

    Growing up, how were you disciplined?

    Do you think children should be spanked? What are the circumstances?

    Do you think your children can attend public school?

    Do you think your children must attend a religious school?

    Do you think your children should be educated at home?

    What kind of relationship should your kids have with their classmates and friends of different beliefs?

     If your children’s extended relatives lived in another state or country, would you send them to see them?

    What kind of relationship do you want your children to have with their entire family of grandparents?

    What kind of relationship do you want to have with members of my family who may be of a different religion/race or culture from me?

    WHY ASK THESE QUESTIONS?

    Asking these questions and diving deeper into what it truly means to be married is a great place to start your marriage. With the kind of marriages, we see around us today, almost everyone gets a little anxious about marriage. But you don’t have to stay anxious. I encourage you to continue to openly discuss these and any other topics that may arise. Cheers to a healthy, thriving marriage!

    See our self-help resources on premarital and marital guides below.

    CLICK HERE

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  • How to Avoid Abusive Relationships

    Something that happens all too often these days is the rise of abusive relationships. They’ve always been in existence, but many years ago, people didn’t discuss them. Once you were married, you were married for better or worse. Too many times it was, indeed, the death of one of the spouses that parted them. It was the reason for the death that made the situation so outrageous and so sad.

    It’s better if these types of relationships are never begun. Believe it or not, there are ways to avoid ever becoming a part of one. Agreed, you can’t always tell if you’re getting involved with a lunatic. Many times they hide it very effectively until they have you firmly under their control or perhaps even after the marriage. That’s when you’ll see their true colors. However, there are nearly always some kinks in their carefully constructed armor that you can spot if you let yourself see it. i implore you to watch out for these signs and not mistake them to be out of too much love for you.

    Subtle signs to watch out for!

    when he tries to control you.

    The first thing you’ll probably notice is a control issue. This typically comes into play a little at a time. It may surface the first time when you’re dressing to go out and he subtly suggests that a different outfit looks much better on you, or that HE prefers you in the red dress rather than the black one. If you give into that one, he’ll do it over and over again. You may not notice that first control trick but you should definitely pay attention if he starts to dictate your wardrobe all the time.

    He tries to Isolate you from Friends and Family

    Another thing that is also a control technique is when he starts trying to slowly isolate you from your family and friends. He’s usually smart enough to keep this to a minimum and uses little things that keep you from realizing what his actual plan is. It may be something like telling you that he has a feeling that your parents, sister, or your best friend doesn’t really like him. Even though you haven’t noticed anything yourself when you care enough about someone you don’t want to believe that they’re lying to you. So you accept it as fact and put yourself on alert when you’re around the people that have been accused of not liking him.

    Most likely, no one has ever said or done anything to make this guy think they don’t like him. He’s just trying to plant enough doubt in your head that you’ll believe only him and stay away from those people that “don’t like” him. This gets you right where he wants you: isolated and unprotected from whatever he may do to you next.

    What to do after the discovery?

    When you see these danger signs, it’s time to run, not walk, as fast and far as you can away from this man. It’s only going to get worse the longer you stay. The worst thing you can do is continue to stay involved with him under the impression that you can change him. That’s never going to happen. Things will only get worse the longer you stay. When you see any of these signs, it’s time to cut your losses and move on.

  • THE SMART WOMAN’S RELATIONSHIP CHECKLIST

    It is very important for a woman to check her relationship with the man in her life before saying ” i do”. Today, there are lots of sad marriages and women find it difficult coping in such marriages. Some will rather remain in bad marriages to avoid being tagged a failure or a divorce. Some of these reg flags can be seen during courship but women get carried away thinking they have found the love of thier live. Some women will choose to ignore with hope that things will change after marriage. The thought of starting afresh can be quite daunting so some women will prefer to endure right from the courship stage untill marriage. some just want to get married because they feel they are not getting younger and thier biological clock is counting.

    what most dont know that it is better to marry right than to marry early. The pain and stress of managing a bad marriage can not be described. Moving on can be painful, but less so than holding on to a toxic relationship. ‘Men screw up, and we feel guilty about it,’ said a friend of mine back in my university days. There was one man calling a girl fat. Another said that the girl he was dating was too good for him. These are clear red flags and all of them were ignored by the women. Most women generally wanted the signs to be negligible. There are times when you know you should not have replied to his messages and let things be. But you overlook that warning and reply to his pleas. Giving yourself false hope. later when it all ends in tears, you begin to blame yourself.

    Even when you feel something is off, the strong desire to have a partner with whom to share your life, the dark side of it, the bright side of it can cloud your judgment and lead to poor decisions. The thought of starting afresh with another can look quite daunting. You limit yourself, your opportunities by believing that the devil you know is better than the angel you don’t.

    Red flags are often visible, either by exhibiting verbal violence or physical attack, but here are subtler ones which can easily be overlooked.

    HE EXPECTS ONLY YOU TO THE WORK.

    When he seem not be interested in how you plan activities together. This is more apparent especially when he does not get involved in planning things with you. It takes two to tango, both sides have to invest!

    Is he emotionally in sync with you?

    He evades your probing on the direction of things. You ask him relationship check-up questions and he’s either unsure, needs more time, or changes the line of discussion. It’s normal to ask if he sees long-term potential in the relationship, his view on commitment and marriage, and other “big picture” questions. The speed at which a relationship progresses is a function of many factors, one of them being age.

    Furthermore, listen to your intuition. If you think he’s not emotionally invested, there is a good chance he’s not. Many times in the heat of an argument one partner might say: “Let’s end it now.” While it’s ultimately a power move, watch your partner’s reaction and body language. The guy who fights for you, and the relationship, is the keeper.

    DOES HE APOLOGIZE?

    Apologies involve setting your ego aside. Apologies aren’t actually about who is right and who is wrong. It’s about acknowledging your partner’s feelings and validating them. In truth: A simple apology is easy. “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. That was not my intention.” It can end right there. But will he let it be?

    WHEN HE’S A LITTLE TOO PRIVATE

    Usually, the process of getting to know someone occurs over time. However, in this age of technological connectivity, it can be easy to get to know a person at the speed of light. Dozens of text messages can be exchanged within a day expressing everything from the mundane to important issue.

    Though relationships can appear to be going great but you may want to stop and ask yourself, “do I really know him?” It’s one thing to be in constant communication through superficial conversations. It’s another to know one’s motivations, thoughts, and feelings. Is he willing to truly open himself up and share his life story? Does he avoid talking about family, friends, and the things that describe his background? Can he identify what he is looking for in a relationship? Can he share why previous relationships ended? Does he reply with something vague? You may want to think things through at this point.

    YOU FEEL LONELY IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

    Trust me,you don’t want to miss this.While there’s a natural rhythm to when a new romantic interest meets friends, family, and others in the course of a relationship, there may be a level of exclusivity that can feel stifling. No relationship can thrive in a vacuum. In fact, overly exclusive relationships where partners don’t want to include others are a hallmark characteristic of abusive relationships.

    And since love they say is blind, you don’t see anything differently either. In your eyes, he is flawless. This is why you need someone to help check your vision. Whether it is a friend, a sibling, or a trusted acquaintance.

    Finally, have you ever met his friends or anyone he considers an acquaintance? The adage that birds of same feathers flock together often rings true. Getting a sense of a guy’s social circle is collateral information. But if you are constantly kept behind closed doors, it can be another indicator that the guy isn’t seriously considering you as a partner. Do you like being a secret girlfriend?

    HE NEVER PASSED COMMUNICATION

    Communication flows naturally in the early stages of dating— it feels like you are flying in the air. But what happens when there is a communication breakdown? Relationship longevity is not measured by when things are going well, but rather when the strife enters.

    Does he keep malice instead of trying to talk things through? Does he make passive-aggressive statements? At some point, your partner could be entering bullying territory or be manipulative. When you feel like you are constantly tip toeing on eggshells to avoid angering him? Then know that you are about to enter one chance.

    HE TALKS DOWN TO YOU

    There can be something attractive about the bad boy—the guy who is a bit aloof, the one who is not waiting on hands and knees for you. Over time, these guys become more hazard than heartthrob. Although you may have been initially attracted to his hyper-masculine take-charge manner, you start to notice that he is just bulldozing over others. He may be neglecting the feelings of others to assert his own agenda; He is always right and you are always wrong. Then at this point, know that you desire better.

    THE RULES ARE ALWAYS CHANGING

    In the context of a romantic relationship, it is a futile endeavour if the target is constantly moving. First, he’s not interested in marriage and children. But it’s expected of him. Therefore, he might be into it, but he’s not so sure; But on second thought, if children are involved then it is a necessity. However, he doesn’t really like children all that much. Relationships shouldn’t be like further maths. They either work or do not work. Don’t waste your time if you value yourself.

    HIS SENSE OF HUMOUR STING’S A BIT.

    Laughter is one of the best parts of any relationship. Connecting on a light-hearted level, being silly and having heartfelt belly laugh is a path to forging shared interests and affection. However, what happens when that same humour starts to translate into slight insults and hints? Some people use humour to communicate message that ordinarily they may not share. He might constantly brush the humour as a joke,but listen for patterns. Sometimes there is something more there.


    HE OFTEN TALKS ABOUT CHANGING YOU

    The love glasses can alter your perceptive abilities once more but when he keeps making indirect comments on how he wishes you can be like this or that then this need to be looked into. The ability of both partners to identify areas for growth is important. Changing the little things can do a lot for a relationship. But you can’t change a personality. Don’t make apologies for who you are. The right guy will love you just the way you are.


    HE DOESN’T VALUE GIVING BACK

    Community service for everyone may not be a priority. Although it can be a way of tapping into your mutual power as a couple to cause positive change in yourself and the world as a whole. Service initiatives can be a perfect way to open up conversation about common goals and values, as well as to spend time doing good for others together. In addition, a metaphor for one’s partnership is the desire to place others first. Is your partner willing to prioritize your criteria above his? Can you do the same for him? It can be a sign of a strong relationship to be able to emphasize giving back to others when things get busy.

    YOU ARE NOT GLOWING

    There is an exhilaration that comes with good relationships. You are perpetually in a good mood and feel like you could walk on water. Granted, these are the early stages of a relationship commonly known as the “cocaine-phase” where feel-good neurotransmitters are firing. This can last a few months until reality sets in. But sometimes, your relationship never even hits this phase. It goes from playful banter to arguments, tension, and resentment. However, your desire for a relationship rings so strong that you ignore all the warning signs. I once heard the wise saying: You either cry now for losing the guy or cry later because you kept him. “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

    Think back to the earliest signs. Chances are you were onto them from your first meeting. Entering and exiting relationships can occur with grace and gratitude. There is no reason for anger, hatred, and bitterness to signal the end.

  • 6 NEW SECRETS TO MAKE YOUR IN-LAWS RESPECT YOU EVEN IF YOU DON’T GET ALONG

    (you will be baffled by #4)

    Marriage and the in-laws go together in most cultures. Many times, before you get married, you subconsciously forget about the in-laws because you are totally in love with your partner. No much challenges during courtship, no interference from any family. You never imagined the in-law’s saga, and then boom, after the marriage, his family from here and there begins to interfere and the whole thing begins to feel stressful. From managing the home, loving your spouse and keeping the in-laws happy. It begins to appear like he’s always taking sides with his family or perhaps just weak when it comes to them. Most times, this makes you feel sad and you begin to doubt his love for you and then you begin to see the in- laws as the enemy. However, if you really want win them over , then I ask you to pay close attention to the next line here.

    1.  Let me tell you the truth without mincing words,” only you can change how you want to be treated”, no matter the kind of person you are married to.  If you want them to treat you well, then this has to start from your mind. You have to first learn to accept your in-laws sincerely despite their short comings and stop attaching meanings to every mistake on their part. You think they are deliberately provoking you because you are not their child or you imagine they did not want you for their son. Even if they never wanted you for their son, now that you are already married to him, why don’t you try to change the notion so they will instead eat back their own words?
    2. It is important you know that the way you manage your in-laws can greatly affect your marriage. your spouse feels comfortable and relaxed when his relatives are respected by you. But unfortunately, many women today think this is unachievable. You perceive them to be antagonistic towards you. Know that this can subconsciously affect how you treat them in return. You refuse to consider giving them the benefit of doubt as you have decided to occupy your mind with negative thought about them. Some women can go as far as telling you proudly that they can only marry a man whose mother is no more. I mean why on earth would anyone have such thoughts? I mean, with such mindset, what will happen when she falls in love and marries a man whose mother is still alive.  I tell you categorically that this can only cause you more heartache and lead you to having a tense relationship with your in-laws which won’t benefit your marriage at all.
    3. Know that by default, they have become your extended family after marriage. so why is it difficult to accept them wholeheartedly? When you lost focus, at the slightest provocation, you begin to think they are out to destroy your marriage.  Note that thoughts are but unconfirmed assumptions so be careful not to work with them.  In fact, you feel so isolated from your in-laws that you are often resentful that they are needless intruders into your personal life with your spouse. The in- law tension is a global issue and not peculiar to a particular culture. When you accept the fact that relationship with your in-laws is not built on love or affection then that will be the beginning of your salvation. It is a relationship which is forced on you through your marriage. So, your connection with your in laws is built on obligatory respect and compulsion.
    • Now ask yourself, have you honestly tried to accept them without the negative assumptions?

     I understand there are times you may feel you cannot truly love them because you feel as though:

    • They instigate your spouse against you.
    • They curtail your freedom and always have their eyes on your movement.
    • They are too interfering.
    • They are always judging you…….

    You wonder how I know all of these rights?

     Well, I have been there and I came to realize that such thought will only add to my misery and fuel more discord in the family.

    When you accept that you are already related by marriage and Unless you give your in-laws due respect, your spouse will definitely build up resentment against you.

    If you want them to love you like crazy, then you first have to learn to accept them, be patience and also apply wisdom in your dealings with them. You have to earn their trust and love, you can’t expect them to love you by default as your family would. This way, you are sure to win them over even when you are having issues with your spouse.

     I know you are already thinking in your mind ‘but how can I achieve this’?

     Stay Calm, I know you are already trying on your part to respect them, to love them but yet to no avail.  Perhaps you are thinking, it’s hard for you because they are not nice to you either. I want you to know that the strongest weapon you can use to melt the strong heart is ‘LOVE’ and more love. If you are already loving them but they are not reciprocating then I urge you to show more love even if you have to practice the habit of loving them until it naturally becomes a part of you. You can start slowly by adopting the following suggestions itemized below.

    1. Give your in- laws due respect.

    The level of your education should not count much in marriage, you have to learn to humble yourself if you wish to have a happy and successful marriage. Avoid raising your voice at them even when it feels like it. You should learn to handle some matters with decorum.       

    1.  Show outstanding hospitality to them and give your spouse some space when he needs to be with them. He’s entitled to some free time with his parents and siblings. Try to be friendly and do not cause your in-laws to feel lonely and lost in your home.
    1. Communicate the right way with your in-laws

    When you look glum with your in-laws, the heat that radiates between you makes your spouse feel unhappy and scalded. Avoid having stilted conversation with them. Discuss topics which is of interest with them.

    1. Never instigate your children against your them.

    Most of you hold your children as a trump card to isolate your in-laws. When they stop loving their own family, at the end, the losers are your children.

    • Have reasonable and realistic expectations from your in-laws

    5.   Avoid comparing your in laws with your parents. This is the reason you feel that your in-laws lack    true   love for you. You expect them to treat you as your parent would. You just be nice and friendly without having any expectations from them and see how easy things will become with you.

    6. Set your boundaries and be real with them. Setting boundaries does not mean throwing away your in-laws from your life. Unless there are boundaries, your relationship with them can get out of control. set clear boundaries, don’t start what you cannot finish. Avoid pretentious behaviors when you interact with them, it will stress you out and can be quite exhausting.  Some women are quite good at pretending to be nice with the in-law, this is not a nice attitude to adopt, they will either eventually see through you or you will get stressed and frustrated from it.

    It is quite possible to have a decent relationship with your in- laws especially when you put your mind to it.  The moment you decide to stop treating them as intruders, you will find it easy to be friendly with them.