Deep Healing Counseling

Tag: marriage

  • 7 WAYS TO STOP ARGUING WITH YOUR SPOUSE

    By Ajarah Thani

    TOP 7WAYS TO STOP FIGHTING WITH YOUR SPOUSE

    Therapist and Relationship Coach

    Arguing, fighting, bickering with your spouse? You’re not alone.

    Couples argue from time to time. Some are just more or less than others but do not worry too much about it, you are about to discover the best ways to manage this.

    Try these 7 simple, effective tips and techniques that will allow you to STOP these toxic arguments and ensure become a thing of the past.

    7 Ways To End Arguments With Your Spouse

    These 6 tactics I’m about to cover are just a starting point.

    These are helpful in preventing fights with your spouse, so you should start using them immediately… but for most people, this isn’t the only thing that’s contributing to your marriage problems, so you need to address any other issues as well if you want to maintain a happy marriage.

    Technique #1: Use The 15-Minute Rule

    Are you angry at your spouse about something and ready to start screaming because of what they did or said?

    Or maybe your spouse has started the conflict and you’re ready to flip back….?

    Well, hold up a few seconds, in fact, make it 15 minutes or more.

    Why? Well, I can’t tell you never to get into an argument with your spouse because this can’t totally be stopped but, I can teach you how to handle arguments.

     If you disagree with yourselves and you need to stand up for something you believe is important and worth discussing with your spouse, then do it.

    But before you do, wait at least 15 minutes. Don’t do anything special in that time–other than avoid talking about the problem with your spouse–before you begin the discussion. This point is very crucial because I have seen this lack of control has led many to undesired endings of a situation.

    That 15 minutes would have given you enough time to reflect on the issue and decide it’s not worth fighting over.

    If you still decide to argue, that time will help you cool down and let the emotions settle so you can start the discussion in a more civilized manner and it will stop the situation from escalating.

    Simple tactics like this one can actually prevent a divorce even before it starts. Trust me on this.

    Technique #2: Take a time-out

    If you find yourself already in a heated argument with your spouse, then the 15-minute rule may already be too late. … but, you can still take action to make sure the fight doesn’t continue to grow.

    If you’re worried that you or your spouse is going to get out of control, then you really must find a way to stop this from happening.

    A time-out is a great solution to this problem.

    This simply means that you need to take a short break during a fight to calm your nerves.

    Don’t just simply walk out of the room without explanation–that is likely to make your partner angrier.

    Instead, tell them that you need to take a few minutes to think about things and calm down before re-engaging in a more respectful, productive discussion. This can help both of you to feel more calm.

    Technique #3: Go to bed angry

    The classic advice–that you should never go to bed angry at your spouse–is just not always true.

    I have seen that sometimes; it is even better to go to bed angry. This allows partners to clear their thoughts, get some sleep, and find another time to complete the fight.

    Technique #4: Own up to your part of the fight

    Hate being wrong? Too proud to admit you might also be part of the problem?

     I understand that it can be very tough to admit that you’re wrong about anything. When you’re in a heated argument, sometimes it’s easy to lose sight of the bigger picture or start focusing only on “winning” rather than the real issue at hand… or the effect the argument might have on your partner’s feelings.

     Two things are known to derail fights. First is admitting to your faults and the second is expressing empathy towards your partner. Though for some, I know it is easier said than done.

    Sadly, researchers have proven that the feeling of “being right” or ‘winning’ is never as satisfying as you make it out to be in your mind. And trying to win the argument is often a synonym for trying to hurt your partner.

    Instead of trying to win arguments with your spouse, try instead to focus on seeing things from your partner’s perspective.

    Aim to come to a positive outcome of some sort, even if that means you need to swallow your pride and “lose.” when it’s necessary to maintain harmony in your marriage–is definitely going to help.

    Technique #5: Find the humour

    As I just mentioned, it’s easy to lose yourself in the heat of the moment when you’re arguing with your significant other, and at times, things can escalate and become toxic, marriage-threatening fights, even if they initially started over something very minor.

    If you’re able to recognize when this is happening in an argument with your partner, humor can be the best way to defuse things and bring back some perspective.

    NOTE: you need to be cautious using this method especially when the discussion is about something very serious to your partner. Do not try to downplay it. But most times, a joke, or smile can make some situations better.

    Technique #6: Spend quality time together

    This does not need much explanation, because it’s pretty simple. The more you and your spouse spend time arguing, the more you need to spend quality, enjoyable time together to balance things out.

    quality-time-together

    No need to make it a big deal, just make sure you make an effort to share some positive, romantic time with one another.

    This will help you both remember what you love about one another so that the next time you argue, you’ll remember to be respectful.

    Technique #7: Ban the “but”

    I have noticed that couples often derail a resolution when they acknowledge the other person’s position and then add a “but” in their next breath. This if not handled well can open a new set of worms. So even if you are planning to say something with a but, it is best you leave it till a later time. This does not mean you do not get to air your voice, it simply means that you find a better time to do just that. For more tips on having the marriage of your dreams, see our best-selling book The Marriage Fortification Secret.

    AJARAH THANI is a certified therapist relationship coach, and author of “The Marriage Fortification Secret”, a best-selling guide to building a fortress around the marriage and fortifying it. For more of Ajarah’s relationship advice, follow her on Facebook.

  • 100 THINGS YOU SHOULD ASK ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE TO BE

    From all the happenings around us today, you will agree with me if I say it is very important to know who you are choosing as your life partner. Some of these questions here may appear odd to you but they are essential questions. Depending on your relationship with your fiance, you may not be able to ask all of this but you should be able to ask most of these questions to help you make better decisions. Remember not to put out your questions like an investigative police officer, ask your questions at a good time and in a diplomatic way. for some, you can actually be direct, it all depends on who you have as a suitor. Best wishes from my side. Also, remember that not all of these questions may apply to you, so do what suits your situation. May God bless you with the best.

    What does marriage mean to you?

    Have you ever been married?

    Are you presently married? This can apply in a polygamous setting.

    What are your marriage expectations?

    What are your life objectives? (both long-term and short-term)

    Determine three goals you want to achieve in the near future.

    Make a list of three long-term goals you aim to achieve.

    Why did you choose me as a possible spouse?

    What role does religion have in your life now?

    Are you a believer in God?

    What do you think an Islamic/Christian/other marriage entails?

    What religious expectations do you have for your spouse?

    What is your relationship like with the religious community in your neighborhood?

    Do you participate in any religious activities as a volunteer?

    What spiritual gifts do you have to offer your (spouse)?

    What does the husband’s role entail?

    What is the wife’s function?

    Do you want to be a polygamist in the future?

    What kind of relationship do you have with your family?

    What do you expect your relationship with your spouse’s family to be like?

    What kind of relationship do you think your spouse will have with your family?

    Is anyone in your family now residing with you?

    Do you intend to have any family members living with you in the future?

    What should I do if my relationship with your family deteriorates for any reason?

    What kind of pals do you have? (Make a list of at least three.)

    How did you become acquainted with them?

    What makes you think they’re your friends?

    What do you find most appealing about them?

    What will your connection with them be like once you are married?

    Do you have any male/female friends?

    What is the current state of your friendship with them?

    What will your connection with them be like once you are married?

    What kind of friendship do you want your partner to have with his or her friends?

    What do you enjoy doing in your spare time?

    Would you enjoy entertaining our visitors in our home?

    When your friends come around, what do you anticipate from your spouse?

    What are your thoughts on various languages being spoken at home that I don’t understand? (in the company of friends or family)

    Do you like to travel?

    What do you do for fun during your vacations?

    What do you think your spouse should do during his or her vacations?

    Do you like to read?

    What do you like to read?

    Do you think you’ll be able to verbally communicate love feelings after you’ve married?

    Do you believe you’ll want to show your affection in public after you’ve married?

    How do you show your admiration for someone you’ve just met?

    How do you express gratitude to someone who has done you a favor?

    Do you prefer to express yourself through writing?

    How do you apologize if you make a mistake?

    How do you want someone to apologize to you if they have offended you?

    How long does it take you to forgive someone?

    In your life, how do you make major and less essential decisions?

    Do you use vulgarity at home? Is it appropriate to do so in public? Is it with your family?

    Do your buddies use offensive language?

    Is there any vulgarity in your family?

    What are your methods for expressing anger and frustration?

    How do you anticipate your spouse expressing his or her rage?

    When you’re angry, what do you do?

    When do you think it’s suitable to start a marriage mediation?

    How should a quarrel in your marriage, whether religious or not, be resolved?

    Define the terms “mental,” “verbal,” “emotional,” and “physical.”

    What would you do if you suspected yourself of being abused?

    If you were being assaulted, who would you call for help?

    Do you have a long-term illness or condition?

    Are you willing to have a physical examination by a doctor before getting married?

    How well do you understand the importance of good health and nutrition?

    What methods do you use to maintain your personal health and nutrition?

    What does wealth mean to you?

    What are your spending habits?

    What methods do you use to save money?

    How do you anticipate your spending habits will alter once you’ve married?

    Do you owe any money right now? If that’s the case, how are you going about paying off?

    Do you make purchases with a credit card?

    Do you agree that taking out loans to buy a new home is a good idea?

    What financial expectations do you have from your spouse?

    What is your share of the financial burden in the marriage?

    Do you think a working wife is a good idea?

    If that’s the case, how do you think a family with two incomes should handle money?

    Do you keep track of your expenses with a budget?

    Who are the persons to whom you are liable financially?

    Do you think it’s a good idea to hire babysitters and/or maids?

    Do you wish to start a family? Why isn’t that the case?

    Are you able to bear children, to the best of your knowledge?

    Do you intend to start a family during the first two years of your marriage? If not now, when will it be?

    Do you think abortion is a good idea?

    Do you now have children?

    What is your current connection with your kids?

    How well do you get along with their other parent?

    What kind of relationship do you think your spouse will have with your kids and their parents?

    What method(s) of child-rearing are the most effective?

    What are the most effective methods for disciplining children?

    What kind of upbringing did you have?

    Growing up, how were you disciplined?

    Do you think children should be spanked? What are the circumstances?

    Do you think your children can attend public school?

    Do you think your children must attend a religious school?

    Do you think your children should be educated at home?

    What kind of relationship should your kids have with their classmates and friends of different beliefs?

     If your children’s extended relatives lived in another state or country, would you send them to see them?

    What kind of relationship do you want your children to have with their entire family of grandparents?

    What kind of relationship do you want to have with members of my family who may be of a different religion/race or culture from me?

    WHY ASK THESE QUESTIONS?

    Asking these questions and diving deeper into what it truly means to be married is a great place to start your marriage. With the kind of marriages, we see around us today, almost everyone gets a little anxious about marriage. But you don’t have to stay anxious. I encourage you to continue to openly discuss these and any other topics that may arise. Cheers to a healthy, thriving marriage!

    See our self-help resources on premarital and marital guides below.

    CLICK HERE

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  • How to Avoid Abusive Relationships

    Something that happens all too often these days is the rise of abusive relationships. They’ve always been in existence, but many years ago, people didn’t discuss them. Once you were married, you were married for better or worse. Too many times it was, indeed, the death of one of the spouses that parted them. It was the reason for the death that made the situation so outrageous and so sad.

    It’s better if these types of relationships are never begun. Believe it or not, there are ways to avoid ever becoming a part of one. Agreed, you can’t always tell if you’re getting involved with a lunatic. Many times they hide it very effectively until they have you firmly under their control or perhaps even after the marriage. That’s when you’ll see their true colors. However, there are nearly always some kinks in their carefully constructed armor that you can spot if you let yourself see it. i implore you to watch out for these signs and not mistake them to be out of too much love for you.

    Subtle signs to watch out for!

    when he tries to control you.

    The first thing you’ll probably notice is a control issue. This typically comes into play a little at a time. It may surface the first time when you’re dressing to go out and he subtly suggests that a different outfit looks much better on you, or that HE prefers you in the red dress rather than the black one. If you give into that one, he’ll do it over and over again. You may not notice that first control trick but you should definitely pay attention if he starts to dictate your wardrobe all the time.

    He tries to Isolate you from Friends and Family

    Another thing that is also a control technique is when he starts trying to slowly isolate you from your family and friends. He’s usually smart enough to keep this to a minimum and uses little things that keep you from realizing what his actual plan is. It may be something like telling you that he has a feeling that your parents, sister, or your best friend doesn’t really like him. Even though you haven’t noticed anything yourself when you care enough about someone you don’t want to believe that they’re lying to you. So you accept it as fact and put yourself on alert when you’re around the people that have been accused of not liking him.

    Most likely, no one has ever said or done anything to make this guy think they don’t like him. He’s just trying to plant enough doubt in your head that you’ll believe only him and stay away from those people that “don’t like” him. This gets you right where he wants you: isolated and unprotected from whatever he may do to you next.

    What to do after the discovery?

    When you see these danger signs, it’s time to run, not walk, as fast and far as you can away from this man. It’s only going to get worse the longer you stay. The worst thing you can do is continue to stay involved with him under the impression that you can change him. That’s never going to happen. Things will only get worse the longer you stay. When you see any of these signs, it’s time to cut your losses and move on.