Deep Healing Counseling

Tag: relationships

  • MORE ON PREMARITAL COUSELLING QUESTIONNAIRE

    Are you in a serious relationship and looking to take it to the next level?

    Or are you engaged and getting married soon?

     Congratulations!

     But first, there may be some things that you and your fiancé need to talk about in advance. Speaking to each other honestly about these bigger topics (and everything else in your relationship) will enable you both to get on the same page and have harmony.

    The premarital counseling questionnaire brings to light some very common, but important, questions that pave the way for you to have a healthy marriage. It prepares you and gives you an insight into what is ahead.  Read the Pre-marriage counseling questionnaire and find critical premarital questions every couple must discuss before getting married.

    1. Discuss your finances

    Finance is a major issue in a marriage and even one of the biggest issues in it especially when both people are not in line with one another. To avoid a huge problem later, you and your fiance should discuss your past, present, and future financial situations. Here are some questions to help:

    2. Get some facts straight about children

    Children are another important factor that should be discussed. I get that some people go into marriage with children already and some people do not. Either way, here are some questions to help you get started.

    If you don’t have children already, how many do you want?

    If you do have children, do you want more?

    How far apart would you like to have them?

    What are your beliefs about raising children?

    What are your beliefs about disciplining the children?

    3. Be on the same page about housing

    Do not be in a hurry or overly excited to tighten the knot to the extent that you will forget this very important aspect.   It may seem like knowing where to live is a “no-brainer” but it is still worth going over. Sometimes couples think they are on the same page about things then realize there may be some differences. Here are some questions to start that conversation:

    Will you be living with the in-laws?

    If yes, for how long?

    If you both have your own place, which one will you move to?

    If you do not have your own place yet, where will he be renting and what kind of accommodation?

    Do you want to rent or buy a house?

    Where do you want to live? (What city, etc.)

    4. Manage your expectations

    Everyone has expectations about their lives. Therefore, everyone has expectations about what they think they should contribute to a marriage and what their spouses should contribute. If as a woman you are asked to bring a certain contribution and you do not feel comfortable with it, now is the time to air things out.  It is vitally important to talk about what is expected in your marriage. Here are some expectation questions:

    How do you split the household chores?

    Are you both working?

    How many times per week do you think is it substantial to have sex?

    Are you both in charge of finances?

    5. Have transparency in the area of addictions

    I know that it sounds like it should be obvious if someone has an addiction issue. Trust me on this one, it can be very well hidden. It is a great idea to have complete transparency in this area to avoid major setbacks later. Ask each other these:

    How often do you drink?

    Do you gamble/bet? If so, how often?

    Is there or has there ever been an issue with substance abuse?

    Do you view pornography?

    6. Discuss faith

    If you and/or your spouse are people of faith, it should be discussed. Especially if you and your future spouse do not follow the same faith. Here are some starters to go over:

    Do you follow the same faith?

    If you do not follow the same faith, are you able to respect each other’s decisions in this area?

    Will you teach your children your faith?

    7. Consider sex and intimacy issues

    Consider sex and intimacy issues during premarital counseling

    Sex is quite a large part of a marriage. Sex allows married couples to become deeply connected to one another. If you are not on the same page when it comes to sex, it may cause issues in the future. Here are some questions to ponder over:

    How often should we have sex?

    Can either of you initiate it when desired?

    What will happen if one party does not feel like it?

    What is allowed in our sexual life?

    8. Discuss your future plans

    We all have dreams. While two become one once you’re married, your dreams don’t just go away. You are still very much your own person as well as one half of a partnership. Because of this, it is great to discuss what you both envision for the future. Here are some questions to prompt you:

    If as a woman you are still schooling or you intend to further your education, this is the time to table this.

    Do you wish to work?

    How do you plan to balance work and kids?

    Where do you envision yourself in five years?

    What job do you want to have in five years?

    What is your dream life?

    Asking these questions and diving deeper into what it truly means to be married is a great place to start your marriage. With the kind of marriages, we see around us today, almost everyone gets a little anxious about marriage. But you don’t have to stay anxious. I encourage you to continue to openly discuss these and any other topics that may arise. Cheers to a healthy, thriving marriage!

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  • How to Avoid Abusive Relationships

    Something that happens all too often these days is the rise of abusive relationships. They’ve always been in existence, but many years ago, people didn’t discuss them. Once you were married, you were married for better or worse. Too many times it was, indeed, the death of one of the spouses that parted them. It was the reason for the death that made the situation so outrageous and so sad.

    It’s better if these types of relationships are never begun. Believe it or not, there are ways to avoid ever becoming a part of one. Agreed, you can’t always tell if you’re getting involved with a lunatic. Many times they hide it very effectively until they have you firmly under their control or perhaps even after the marriage. That’s when you’ll see their true colors. However, there are nearly always some kinks in their carefully constructed armor that you can spot if you let yourself see it. i implore you to watch out for these signs and not mistake them to be out of too much love for you.

    Subtle signs to watch out for!

    when he tries to control you.

    The first thing you’ll probably notice is a control issue. This typically comes into play a little at a time. It may surface the first time when you’re dressing to go out and he subtly suggests that a different outfit looks much better on you, or that HE prefers you in the red dress rather than the black one. If you give into that one, he’ll do it over and over again. You may not notice that first control trick but you should definitely pay attention if he starts to dictate your wardrobe all the time.

    He tries to Isolate you from Friends and Family

    Another thing that is also a control technique is when he starts trying to slowly isolate you from your family and friends. He’s usually smart enough to keep this to a minimum and uses little things that keep you from realizing what his actual plan is. It may be something like telling you that he has a feeling that your parents, sister, or your best friend doesn’t really like him. Even though you haven’t noticed anything yourself when you care enough about someone you don’t want to believe that they’re lying to you. So you accept it as fact and put yourself on alert when you’re around the people that have been accused of not liking him.

    Most likely, no one has ever said or done anything to make this guy think they don’t like him. He’s just trying to plant enough doubt in your head that you’ll believe only him and stay away from those people that “don’t like” him. This gets you right where he wants you: isolated and unprotected from whatever he may do to you next.

    What to do after the discovery?

    When you see these danger signs, it’s time to run, not walk, as fast and far as you can away from this man. It’s only going to get worse the longer you stay. The worst thing you can do is continue to stay involved with him under the impression that you can change him. That’s never going to happen. Things will only get worse the longer you stay. When you see any of these signs, it’s time to cut your losses and move on.